i hate myself

i hate myself.

my closest friends, i confess to you, i hate myself.

i hate myself for my lack of courage. i hate myself for living life according to the standards set by the capitalist society. i hate myself for the inability to see past material goods and wants, and follow my heart.

its insane.

its driving me to new lows. whenever i hear of news that someone is getting this high pay, or this excellent job, it drives me mad, the sense of regret that i paid such a huge sum to get out, only to experience the rubbish here.

and i am not sure now if i dare to pursue academia given this, i wonder if mentally i can take it.

this is bad, really bad. i know this is probably nothing compared to the problems of you guys, so i do apologise if its inappropriate.