i hate myself

i hate myself.

my closest friends, i confess to you, i hate myself.

i hate myself for my lack of courage. i hate myself for living life according to the standards set by the capitalist society. i hate myself for the inability to see past material goods and wants, and follow my heart.

its insane.

its driving me to new lows. whenever i hear of news that someone is getting this high pay, or this excellent job, it drives me mad, the sense of regret that i paid such a huge sum to get out, only to experience the rubbish here.

and i am not sure now if i dare to pursue academia given this, i wonder if mentally i can take it.

this is bad, really bad. i know this is probably nothing compared to the problems of you guys, so i do apologise if its inappropriate.

Corner or Space?

I am by nature quite a pessimistic person.
And I frequently drive myself into a tiny corner, when if only I realise all the space behind me.

Limitations

I have never felt limited ever in my life till now.

All my life, I had always believed, that whatever I want to achieve, so long as I put my whole heart into it, I can.

Could not speak English at age of 8? I put my whole heart into reading English books to the point where at age of 9, I was regularly topping my school in English.

Don't have Biology background yet want to do Biomedical Engineering as an undegrad? I did that, and did pretty well too.

Only had one year and want to do a 2 year Masters? I survived the process too.

But now I genuinely feel so limited. In the corporate world, ability sometimes count less, much less, than real ability. Put it this way, if your boss doesn't like you, you are screwed. And even if your boss likes you, if his boss does not like him, you are screwed too.

I really feel limited now. Not by ability, but by circumstances.

much to be thankful for

i was doing my sunday night run as usual.

and catching my breath at the exercise corner.

and i saw this foreign indian or bangladeshi worker, very poorly dressed, walking up to the rubbish bin. he picked up this discarded bag, checked it and then took it with him.

little things we take for granted for in life. frankly we have much to be thankful for.